Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Sweet And The Sour

Title: Sweet Silver Lining
Artist: Kate Voegele
Dedication: To the bravest coward I know...

I'm going home downhearted and hoping
I'm close to some new beginning
I know there's a reason for everything that comes and goes

Most days I try my best to put on a brave face
But inside my bones are cold and my heart breaks
But all the while something is keeping me safe and alive

But so many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated and I'll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining

The Leap

I must've hit the backspace button a gazillion times. It's been 5 months since I wrote anything on here, I know, but I'm a writer by profession, for Pete's sake. I should be vomiting the words with ease!

It's always been easier for me to write fiction. I don't think writing about reality is "hard," but I guess I can't fuck up non-reality; make it all up as I go, go back and change any part any time and any way I like. I make up an island or a heroine or a 50-lb-lighter version of myself in my stories and I usually end up with a fairly happy ending somehow. But life as it is, well, you just gotta say it as it is. Live it as it is. You know?

I'm getting married in exactly 1 month. I'm thrilled, I'm bloated, I'm doing 100 things at a time, I'm planning to be spontaneous, I registered for stuff I don't even need/like, and I'm scared shitless.

Yeah, I'll admit it, I'm pretty darned scared. Not of certain freedoms unmarried individuals normally enjoy. Not of aprons, spatulas, or other complicated household appliances. Certainly not of being tied down permanently; being faithful and devoted to just one man for the rest of my life. Those are the easy parts.

Keeping the fire alive. Getting pregnant. Motherhood. Balancing all these new roles with or without help. More than anything, I think I'm scared of the possibility that I can still feel lonely even with that ring on my finger. I'm not being pessimistic. I just want to make sure I cover all the bases.

We've had our pre-wedding seminars, sat down with some of our soon-to-be Godparents, each with their own 2 cents, and their takes on marriage are very interesting indeed. I won't enumerate them all, but I will say's a giant leap. Neither of us won't know for sure how deep the ravines go, how long we can stay airborne, or how far it is to the other side, but for as long as we don't let go of the other, then there's nothing to fear.