Monday, January 21, 2008

Dates And More Dates

I was just going through my things, stacked up boxes with mementos and pictures and what not, and I found myself picking up an old journal. It's a hard bound black notebook with nothing but an italicized F on the lower right hand corner. I started reading it and all those memories just came back to me. The dates, the tag lines, stories of college, stories of romance during and after college -- ahhhhh. Nostalgic indeed. Here are a few excerpts from my infamous journal:

April 14, 2003
thursday after the full moon
It's almost 9AM and I haven't slept. I've just finished reading The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks (for the 2nd time) and I couldn't help but think about how it's going to be for me when I'm 70. Or 29.

Noah, the male lead in the book, the narrator, the quiet poet, loved Allie from the day he met her, through years of not knowing where she is or what she's doing, and loved her still upon meeting years later, until they were old and gray. I'd be a hypocrite if I said I didn't want all that. I, too, want a Noah who'd think I was beautiful even if I was bed-ridden and forgetful; a Noah who knew when to hold me and leave me alone; a Noah who didn't know his words were better than poetry; a Noah who gleamed in age and even in pain; a Noah who loved life, friends, family, nature, simplicity, and God above all; a Noah who loved me no matter what.

It's a little scary having to think of these things. And eventually having to go through with them. Like living and getting older, breathing time, not knowing how much longer we have or what will happen with the people we know and will never know. Wondering if I'll ever have children, or be a good mother, or see Ireland like I've always dreamed. And wonder where my Noah will be in all this, or if there even is a Noah for me.

I remember being five and not worrying about getting old. I'm only 23 now and I feel like I don't have much time left.

February 14, 2004
2PM, Valentine's Day
6874: That's the number J and I shared at the Close-Up Lovapalooza event yesterday. And at the stroke of midnight, along with thousands of couples who were there to break the world record, we kissed. I've got it bad!

February 23, 2004
magic hour
JW. My birthday. Daniel looking for an apartment. Ice cream. Duncan Sheik getting hitched. Something's Gotta Give with Diane and Jack. JW. Giselle off to see our Canada. My non-existent job. My f-ing birthday. Visa application. On-going garage sale. Singing with Robby's band tomorrow night at Capone's. JW...just a few things that go on in my head before I sleep...and the brain picks up where it left off as soon as I wake up. It's a vicious cycle.

June 16, 2004
11:30PM, Wednesday
This is the first time I couldn't wait for the sun to come out.

December 21, 2005
2:20AM, Wednesday (the last entry)
It's 4 days until Christmas. 9 until New Year's, 59 until my 26th birthday. So many things and people have come and gone -- it overwhelms me. I'll miss everything after it's all done. Even the sad, I'll miss. So much emptiness, so much life...it will be hard to let go.

True love, the relationships we worked hard to keep, the lessons we learn with every action, the lull of uneventful existence, the endless possibilities that came and went, the irony of it all...I'll miss all of it. The imperfections that I have and those that surround me...I'll miss those, too. Angelo, I'll miss the most. And friends, oh boy, don't even get me started on that one. My family, who I've always missed.

Why am I talking about loss and pessimism? But isn't life just that -- losing what you hold dear and learning to live with it...die without it?!

10 comments:

Villager said...

Happy MLK Day! Great MM post. Stay strong as you think back on those past dates...

My MM post today focuses on Martin Luther King Day.

peace, Villager

frenchkys said...

Will definitely stop by yours. Happy Martin Luther King Day to you, too! ;)

Nancy Lindquist-Liedel said...

How wonderful that you could go back through that time in your life. The passion in your words probably barely mirrors your heart. If only we could bottle that energy for the days when we are older, and sometimes forget how deeply we loved, and hurt.

frenchkys said...

That was really beautiful, Nancy. Thank you!

the teach said...

Dating memories...I don't think I can remember back that far. Ha! I've been married a long time to my best friend. :)

Jamie said...

Wonderful reflections of a time past. In every meeting there is the potential of tears in parting, but you have to travel the road if you want to have any life at all.

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Very well done. Having a journal is a great way to step back into a different time and place. Have a great MM. :)

Shelia said...

Keeping a journal can be helpful and then sometimes very unsettling. The experience of each of these days is a wonderful lesson though. Keep smiling!

Happy MM! ;D

Ash Joie-Lee said...

Ohhh, how I loved The Notebook! There aren't a whole lot of Noah's out there...but believing there is one for you is what it takes to find him :) I'm in my 40's and I recall the huge fears I had in my 20's....they go away, we master them and we then look back and say, what was I so afraid of? You will as well. :) Beautiful post for Manic Monday!

frenchkys said...

Awwwww...thanks, you guys.

The Teach - You're lucky you married your best friend. I'm dating mine now -- three years next month. :)

Jamie - I agree. I remember stumbling upon one blog and it had a quote that said courage can sometimes be the little voice at the end of the day that says you've done well for now, tomorrow is a new day. I am traveling the road though. Just taking my time is all.

Sandee - Indeed. It's like having my own TARDIS. lol It's something I picked up from Doctor Who. Good watch, that one.

Sheila - Yes, I've picked up quite a few lessons along the way. Some painfully realized, yes, but it can only make me stronger, right? Thank you!

Ash - That was very comforting. "We master them" -- I like that.

Hope everyone had a wonderful MM. Cheers!